To Charleyworld the Column, the Blog and the KHON TV morning news segment, now add the Charleyworld Television Commercial Production Division.
Times are tough in Hawaii for small and medium-sized businesses. Many are struggling. Many would like to advertise on television but feel they can't afford it. We're going to try to see if we can help some of those businesses get a toe in the door to television advertising with a special "Charley Package" that we've worked out with KHON2 TV.
I will create, write, direct and produce a quirky, funny and hopefully memorable commercials for small, medium and even big businesses at an affordable price. I'll even appear in the commercials unless the client pays me more money to not to. Just kidding.
How can I get businesses into TV advertising at an affordable price? By not charging the client for the production of the commercial. For initial clients, I'm going to waive my set-up costs, what I charge for creating the commercial and seeing it through production. The only cost to advertisers will be what KHON charges for " air time." Working with the general sales manager at KHON, we've come up with a plan that allows advertisers to commit to three months of air time instead of six months. The air time costs are negotiable but generally will be about $1,500 a month. For that price you aren't going to be getting your commercials run during "Oprah" or "Wheel of Fortune" shows - the most expensive time slots - but the "Charley Package" will get you in the TV advertising game.
My flyer says, "You CAN advertise on TV! Let Charley Do It." And that pretty much sums it up. (Now, as a newspaper columnist, I also think advertising in the Honolulu Advertiser is great for business, too. Maybe I'll see if I can come up with a special Charleyworld Advertising Rate for the Advertiser, too.)
If you are interested in more details about getting a commercial on KHON TV, just email me here:
KHON Anchor Joe Moore sent me this link ... It could be literally the best Tic-Tac-Toe game ever put on the Internet. I mean, you'd think it would be impossible to improve on such a simple yet classic game. I think it may be the scariest Tic-Tac-Toe ever. Just in time for Halloween.
(Disclaimer: If you don't like the game or for some reason find it more thrilling than expected, complain to Joe Moore. Medical Warning: All games carry certain health risks, even simple ones like Tic-Tac-Toe. Don't play ANY games you learn about on the Internet without consulting your physician or Sen. Harry Reid.)
Charleyworld (The Column) from Oct. 25, 2009 Honolulu Advertiser.
Here's A Little Tip For Bossy Waiters
By Charles Memminger
Every once in a while when eating out, you run into a waiter who has his ideas about how customers should behave, and with these guys, I'm always a constant disappointment.
I believe a waiter should be part of a fine restaurant's background, like the black velvet paintings and sombreros on the wall. He should not be a dining-out coach seeking to prove to diners that he is a "professional." But too often I get a guy seeking to convince me he has certain duties laid out by the International Association of Busybody Waiters and that nothing will interfere with his exercise of these duties. (I confine my remarks to waiters and not waitresses because it's the dudes who seem to need to assert themselves. If you don't cooperate and let them stage your dining experience, they become petulant and let you know that you are really beneath eating in such a fine establishment.)
I ran across one of these bozos recently in a well-known Honolulu restaurant. My wife ordered a glass of wine and I, being the designated grumpy chauffeur, said I'd just have water. The waiter looked crestfallen. Literally. The Official Sommelier Crest attached to his chest fell on the floor. He returned with the wine and water and put the water goblet just out of arm's reach. After he left, I moved it to a more functional position on the table. When he returned, he moved it back to where it had been. I knew I was in for trouble. When he returned, again, he positioned an empty bowl with a piece of lemon in it near my wife's placemat and, as if directing a child, said, "THAT is for your clam shells." He strode away and my wife said, "What did he think I was going to do — put them in my purse?"
From there the meal took on a surreal aspect with our guy placing plates and bowls of this and that at specific spots on the table, me moving them to where I could reach them and him moving them back. It was like culinary checkers. He moved my water to the outside; I moved the pepper by the bread basket. He moved the salt; I moved the butter dish. He moved the bread basket, and I jumped it with the flower vase and said, "King me!"
A young lady, apparently his aide-de-camp, dropped by, and we asked for a box to carry away our leftovers. She left and our man shows up a minute later looking ready for a fight. "We like to box the leftovers in the kitchen ourselves," he announced.
"Well, I like to pack my own leftover grub, bub. So hop into the kitchen and get me the box, buster, you savvy? Chop, Chop ... Get along now ... ya hear?"
That put him in his place, all right. When he reappeared to leave us the check, his behavior was that of a servile toady. But when I produced a gift certificate that would cover most of the meal's cost, his eyes lit up as if to say, "Ah ha! I knew you were rubes! You can't even afford to eat here!" To emphasize his point, he confiscated the bread basket and moved my water again out of reach.
But I wasn't done. The gift certificate covered all but about $11 of the bill. As my man stood by, I slowly calculated the tip, scrawling with a pen on a linen napkin, like Jethro Bodine doing math ciphers and talking out loud. "Eleven double naught times point twenty double naught carry over the four, minus dang I wish Uncle Jed was here."
I handed him the charge slip.
"A dollar and thirty cent tip!" he cried. "On a $95 bill?"
"Well, pard," I said, furtively sticking some silverware in my pocket. "It's the thought that counts."
He seemed to take it pretty well. As we left, he composed himself by lying on the floor weeping, pounding the rug with his little balled up fists.
I was having a few adult beverages with some friends the other day when the question came up: Iif we were to become strippers, what would our stage names be? I know, it doesn't seem like a very sophisticated line of discussion, but it happened to come up between our musings on the life of Plato and dangerous state of the monetary system of Sierra Leone.
And in these tough economic times, figuring out what your stripper name would be isn't just an intellectual exercise. I'm looking to bring in a few extra bucks and, frankly, stripping seems like a pretty cool job.
The usual way to come up with your stripper name is to pair the month you were born with the name of your first pet. So, in my case, my stripper name would be January Dustmop. A friend of mine figured out her stripper name using this system would be August Puddles.
But there's a better way to figure out your stripper name. There's a website online that has a great way to pick your name. You can find the website at Yahoo here: Stripper Name!
I was talking about this website this morning with Kirk Matthews in the Charleyworld segment on KHON2 morning news (which has been renamed to "Wake Up 2Day". See the Charleyworld video here: Charleyworld Video. )The way it works is you pick the third letter of your first name, go down a list and find the first part of your stripper name. Then you use the second letter of your last name and go down a different list. Then the third letter of your last name and go down another list. Using this system, my stripper name turned out to be Chesty Heaven Cheeks. I think that's a pretty cool name for a stripper, one that would attract many one dollar bills in the garter, I bet. Kirk's stripper name also seemed appropriate: Lola Leather Tush. I've seen Kirk on stage and Lola Leather Tush really sums up his stage presence.
I looked up stripper names for other personalities on the morning show with some pretty amazing results. Weather babe, I mean, person, Trini Kaopuiki's stripper name would Sugar Tickle Hips. Jai Cunningham's stripper name would be Dallas Silver Juggs. And Manolo Morales' stripper name would be Princess Glitter Thong.
Curiously, Channel 2 evening news anchor Joe Moore's stripper name would be Kitty Sparkle Microfinance.
Those are all great stripper names (except for Joe's) and I wouldn't be at all surprised to see them pop up in local adult entertainment establishments if the economy doesn't improve soon.
I've been married for more than 30 years and have never left the reservation, as they say. I might have peeked over the fence a few times but never strayed. A guy can peek, can't he? But I received an e-mail from a lady in Africa that is testing my resolve. How she found out about me, I don't know. Maybe she's a fan of Charleyworld and has read online the many columns and blogs I've written over the years. My wit and literary dexterity have been known to turn a girl's head from time to time. (It has, too!)
Anyway, this young lady is clearly infatuated with me and I can't really blame her. The question is whether I should respond to her outreach. Not to start anything, you know. But just to let her know I appreciate her kind words and let her know that a personal relationship is not possible. I don't want to hurt the poor thing. She seems so sincere and fragile. She should be let down gently.
Read the note she sent me and you'll understand ...
Hello my dear friend,
I am more than happy when I saw your mail. How was your day?, Mine a little cold and windy here in Dakar, Senegal. My name is Miss.Joy Brown of the Republic of Liberia in West Africa, I am 5.6ft tall, I have never married before and now I'm living here in dakar senegal, Looking to meet with a nice person who would be a good friend to me, a friend who put me in the guide and me in this journey of life, who shift my feelings and reason together,
What does this mean to ask you for the friendship, friendship is a promise made in the heart of quiet, unwritten, unchangeable by time and distance Unbreakable and will live in my heart forever. And what it takes to be a friendship, it can take years to find a place where love, peace and joy to observe. This is a place that calms your fears. And there's strength lies. Storm yet to come, the rain does fall, but the faith to get it to the end.
l'm very gentle, lovely, sexy, romantic, responsible, kind, good, honest, and trustworth, because my mother use to tell me that good wife, good food, good manner and good sex makes a man feel at home.
l don't smoke and l don't drink, l hate war, l hate fighting and qurrelling in the house and l'm very hard working. I am from a good family, l will also like to know you as you have heard about me,and l want you to reply me and send me your picture and phone number and i will return in kind to you, Remeber the distance or colour does not matter but love matters alot in life, I believe we can move from here! I am waiting for your mail.
Miss Joy Brown
Isn't that the sweetest thing you've ever seen? Miss Joy Brown obviously knows how to treat a fella. And who can argue that a good wife, good food, good manner and good sex doesn't make man feel good at home? I also like the fact that she hates "qurrelling", whatever that is.
So, I'm not sure what to do. I think I'll talk the situation over with my wife. She'll understand. I don't want to have a personal relationship with Miss Joy Brown. But maybe we can just bring her over as sort of a live-in house keeper. The missus would like that, I think. Not having to do windows and all the vacuuming.
The only problem I see is determining whether Miss Joy Brown lives in Liberia or Senegal. She's seems a tad confused on that point.
Charles Memminger, is the biggest humor columnist in the country (242 lbs vs. Dave Barry — 156 lbs — dripping wet). He is also author of the book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink (Tales from the Tropics by Hawaii's Favorite Humorist)" available on Amazon.com and in Hawaii book stores.
Division.
... It could be literally the best Tic-Tac-Toe game ever put on the Internet. I mean, you'd think it would be impossible to improve on such a simple yet classic game. I think it may be the scariest Tic-Tac-Toe ever. Just in time for Halloween.
dining-out coach seeking to prove to diners that he is a "professional." But too often I get a guy seeking to convince me he has certain duties laid out by the International Association of Busybody Waiters and that nothing will interfere with his exercise of these duties. (I confine my remarks to waiters and not waitresses because it's the dudes who seem to need to assert themselves. If you don't cooperate and let them stage your dining experience, they become petulant and let you know that you are really beneath eating in such a fine establishment.)
